a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
