Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
40s are totally the cure
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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