and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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