can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
