I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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