So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I booty called her while she was in labor.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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