I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
