thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
