How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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