Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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