i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
