if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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