If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
