I am puke
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
