im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
