why do cheetos always look like penises
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
