woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
