Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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