it wasn't lemon gatorade
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
