I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
