i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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