we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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