My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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