I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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