im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
