The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
