No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
