Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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