I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
