Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
