I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
