I am midnight drunk by noon
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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