does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
