I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
