I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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