I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
