Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The power of my boobs compel you
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
