Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
