I wanna bring you to show and tell
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
