I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
