First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
