I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
