my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
