Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
