he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
