Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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