i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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