Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
