True but thats because hes a fetus.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
