She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I did not marry a roomba.
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