i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
